


The Pain Doesn't Fade

by Freedom4Larry



Category: Hetalia: Axis Powers
Genre: Alternate Ending, Cutting, Depression, Human & Country Names Used, M/M, Multiple Endings, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Sad Ending, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide, Suicide Attempt, Triggers
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-04-03
Updated: 2016-05-22
Packaged: 2018-05-31 02:23:01
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Major Character Death
Chapters: 3
Words: 4,458
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6451705
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Freedom4Larry/pseuds/Freedom4Larry
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>There was a world meeting today in one of the happiest countries in the world. Or that's was what everyone thought. When others saw Mathias, they all thought he was contagiously happy or something. He was always happy and excited. But they only saw the mask that he put up. They never knew how depressed he was inside. He was being mentally abused by the one he loved. The other Nordics weren't any nicer to him. They always excluded him. He felt as if he didn't belong anymore. And as time passed, the happy country slowly became sadder and sadder.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This is a new fic that I had an idea about a couple months ago and recently found it again. This will have suicidal thoughts and actions within it so be forewarned. Country and human names are used. Countries who will most likely not be mentioned again will go by country name and countries that may appear again will have either their country name first for once or twice before going to human names. Enjoy.

     The world meeting was about to start. Everyone had come in and taken their seats. Looking around Mathias saw that almost all the seats were full. Ivan's was vacant even though he was obviously here and sitting right on top of Matthew, who surprisingly didn't seem to bothered. Couldn't say that for Alfred though, who was glaring at the large winter country sitting on his brother.

     Mathias continued to look around to find the other Nordics so he could join them. He found them after a moment of searching but was quickly discouraged. Estonia had taken his seat and was talking with Finland. The others seemed okay with him sitting there and didn't seem bothered to inform the Baltic nation that he was sitting in the Dane's seat. I mean it wasn't like they weren't all in Denmark. No not at all.

     Mathias took Estonia's original seat between Lithuania and Latvia. He nodded politely to the two as the meeting started.

     In truth, Mathias didn't pay the full three hour meeting any attention. He stared blankly into space in his imaginary world that he had created where he felt like he belonged. To anyone, it would seem that he was just bored and being normal. He gave a sigh as he watched Arthur glare at Francis who was flirting Lichtenstein, who's brother looked to kill the Frenchman. Alfred still glared at Ivan, who had switched positions with the Canadian that he had sat on. The Nordics seemed to have not noticed that Mathias was not sitting with them still. It seemed to him that they didn't miss him or care that he wasn't sitting with them. This caused sadness to envelop him. He thought that they were friends and family.

     He was glad when the meeting was over. He could go home and sit in the darkness of his house and not care about anything. Before he left, he went to join the other Nordics.

     "Hey Norge," Mathias said in a cheerful voice. He gave the Norwegian a smile. The smaller man gave out an exasperated sigh in return.

     "What do you want? I thought I would have a peaceful meeting without you being loud and obnoxious," Lukas said in an annoyed tone. That hurt the Dane even more. He was secretly in love with Lukas. Or not so secretly. He once confessed his love to Lukas only to be turned down and laughed at.

     "Oh nothing. I just wanted to know if you all wanted to come over to my house later for dinner," Mathias kept up his mask.

     "Well that would be wonderful. We should totally do that." Finland had been the only one to have stayed a little nice to him but Sweden had always swayed his opinion a little. So his reply shocked him. "What time?"

     "Around 7, yeah?," Mathias replied, feeling overjoyed. Maybe everyone of them could be able to get together. It had been so long since that occurred.

     Tino agreed and told him that they would all be there. The other three countries looked appalled that Tino had agreed to have dinner with the bubbly Dane who they all had rocky relationships with.

     With the idea of what to cook for dinner, Mathias departed from the meeting room to head home and prepare. He was honestly shocked that he would be able to be with his friends again liked the old days. He pushed that part of him that was depressed to the side, thinking that this could be one of the happiest days in his life.

     Mathias went home and cleaned the house up a little from the previous neglect that it endured. He then cooked a nice meal that would include things that were liked in the other Nordic countries so that the others would feel right at home. In all the cleaning and cooking, time flew by and before he knew it, it was already 7 o'clock. Mathias set the table for six just incase Tino and Berwald brought along little Sealand.

     It was 7:02 when Mathias went to stand by the front door. This was the one time that he would be able to get all the other Nordics together and he didn't want them to wait out the front door. So he waited.

     And waited...

     And waited...

     The clock in the hallway read 7:20. Mathias thought that they might just be late. They might have gotten lost or didn't quite remember where his house was. Or they might have been held up by something.

     At 7:34, Mathias went to the kitchen to put the food in the oven so it would stay warm.

     At 7:50, Mathias sat on the couch and turned on the T.V. to wait and pass time.

     At 8:25, Mathias eats some of the food before putting the rest away and putting the rest of the plates back up. He returns to the couch to stare blankly at the T.V..

     At 9:06, he receives a text message from Tino that reads, _Hey something came up and we couldn't make it. Maybe another time._. He turns off the T.V. and the lights before heading up stairs. He goes into the bathroom and fills the bathtub with lukewarm water. He strips and climbs in. Without the long sleeves of his shirt, the scars on his forearms are now visible. Cuts ranging from shallow to deep, short to long, cover them. He takes out a hidden razor to add to the collection. Running over the cuts already there and taking up most of the smooth skin left.

     He does this until that water is a pinkish red. The blood flows freely and he slumps against the tub. He was pushed to do this, to release the deep sadness he was feeling. The pain chases away the darkness that overwhelms him. It has become a routine to do this. He blames himself for the others not wanting to be around him, for driving Lukas away by being annoying. For everything that he does wrong, everything that he is reminded of when he is around Lukas who tells him what he does wrong. And he takes the beatings that Lukas' words give him.

     After the water has turned cold, the Dane drains the tub and turns on the shower to wash the dirt off. He wraps his arms before going to bed that night. His heart swivels a little more at the fact that he is not wanted and that his once true friends avoid him.

 


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello everyone! New chapter up. The italics will of course mostly be thoughts but some are not all thoughts. I tried my best to explain the Kalmar Union without using it in country-verse. Thank you all for reading and enjoy.

     The rooms dark when Mathias wakes. Looking at the clock beside the bed tells him that its only 2 o'clock in the morning. He rolls over onto his side and moves his arm underneath his body unconsciously. The sharp pain that follows a second later causes him to quickly jump and move his arm. He moves it to get a look at it. In the dark, he can see dark patches on the white wrappings. _I think I need to change theses_. He pulls back the covers and heads to the bathroom. He reaches in the cabinet and pulls out more bandages and unwraps the present ones.  
  
     The lines are puffy and red. They're irritated from the bandages being put around them while they try to heal. Mathias turns on the water to rinse the remaining blood off his arms before gently drying his arms. He'll leave them unwrapped for them to heal properly. He cleans up the bathroom before going downstairs to fix a cup of coffee. It would be a lost cause for him to try to go back to sleep. He only ever gets a few hours of sleep nowadays. The desire to rest had escaped him over the years.  
  
     He takes his cup of coffee into his study that he uses to do paperwork. Paperwork is all he ever does now. It allows him to forget reality when he has piles upon piles of work to do. Being a country isn't easy after all. He gives a sigh as he looks at the large stacks. He pulls a stack in front of him and starts on the first paper. Something about beach erosion.

* * *

  
     The sun has risen before Mathias puts down the pen. His untouched cup of coffee has gone cold now. He's dead tired of reading official documents but he still has more to do. But, he thinks, I can take a small break. He grabs the coffee cup and pours it out in the kitchen. It's only seven and the neighborhood is alive and buzzing. Looking out the kitchen window above the sink, the Dane can see people leaving their houses to go to work. Children are outside with their friends to join them to go to school. They are look so happy, Mathias thinks before turning to go upstairs. He has an appointment with the therapist this morning. He needs to get dressed so he can be on time.

 

* * *

  
     "Good morning Mathias. How are you?" The woman dressed in a black shirt paired with a starch white blouse sits in front of Mathias. Ada is what she wishes for him to call her but he includes a Miss or Dr. to be polite. Mathias responds with greetings and a 'I'm fine'. She gives him a smile before reaching down into her little briefcase that she carries with her even though they are in her office at the moment and pulls out a leather notepad. Mathias can see her write down his name and date at the top of the page that she turns to before she focuses her attention onto him.  
  
     She smiles, her lips bright red against her almost pale skin, and asks the same question that she always asks,"How have you truly been lately?"  
  
     Mathias gives a sigh. It's dreadful to sit here and have to explain everything to this woman. He wouldn't have had to have come him if his boss had not suggested, or more like forced him to come here. They said that they were worried and that they wanted to see his old self again. _You can't,_ he thought, _Not anymore can you see him, he's dead, buried by the misery of knowing that he isn't wanted, that his family has turned their backs on him._ It's his fault, in his opinion, that the others left him. If he had been kinder during the Kalmar Union then Berwald wouldn't have left. He wouldn't have lost Lukas. He wouldn't have had to raise Emil alone. The loss of his two most loyal friends drove him to drinking and caused him to be a horrible role model for the younger country.  
  
     "I've been fine," Mathias says. He looks around the familiar room and wishes to be home, drowning in paperwork. He was never well with expressing feelings.  
  
     "I don't think you're telling the truth." Mathias inwardly groans. How will he tell her about what happened last night? He can't say that the Nordics were going to come over because this woman didn't know a thing about that. She also didn't know how Mathias self-harmed. She just thought the he was a very lonely and sad person who was going through some family problems. The look she gave him seemed to say ' _Go on. Explain_.'  
  
     "Yesterday, I got to see some family that I haven't seen in a long time and I invited them over. I have a rocky past with some of them and we aren't on the best of terms," Mathias pauses to watch Ada scribble on her pad. She looks up at him and nods for him to continue, with her pen poised over the paper. "I prepared dinner and everything and they didn't show up. One sent me a text later saying something came up."  
  
     Ada nods as she finishes writing. "And how does this make you feel? How did you feel when they said they would come?"  
  
     "I was elated. I was overjoyed." She nods.  
  
     "And how do you feel once they didn't come? What did you think and feel when you got the text?"  
  
     "I still had hope they would come after an hour of waiting but...," Mathias' brow furrows in thought of how he felt last night," I felt let down and I also thought that it was an excuse. For them not to come."  
  
     "Yes, I see. Maybe you should contact these family members and just have a nice civil chat. Maybe you could possibly agree to get together. They may just need to be more reunited with you. If you don't mind me asking, what drove you and the others apart?"  
  
     Mathias frowns and thinks of how he can explain this. "I used to be really good friends with Berwald and Lukas. I say that their family members because we grew up together but we aren't really related. We used to live together and there were five of us. Berwald and I could never get along for long. One day we got into a nasty argument and fought. He left with Tino. I was ,and still am, in love with Lukas but we disagreed about the argument between Berwald and me. He left soon after leaving his little brother behind."  
  
     Ada was writing this all down enthusiastically. She looks up at Mathias when he pauses and nods for him to go on.  
  
     "Lukas has a way of saying words and strongly impact you. He said some things and I felt guilty with driving my friends away. We had created a little family and I had destroyed it. I was left to raise Emil but at the same time I started to drink. I was rarely sober for a couple of years. Emil left to live with his brother two years after Lukas left. Emil tried to help me but he gave up hope. We haven't talked in years. They avoided me like the plague. I don't blame them. I drove them away. I stopped drinking a few years ago once I realized that it was making things worse. I've never been the same since. It seems pointless to live a life like mine, without anyone to care for you."  
  
     Mathias blinked back tears. He never had to really explain this to anyone. It was a deep darkness that resided within him. A heavy weight weighing him down. It's painful to think back to those days.  
  
     "I'm sorry for this occurring. Your friends might have been wrong though. To blame yourself for something that was between someone else and yourself is useless. You might have been in the right and he in the wrong. I think that is enough for today. Consider what happened. Contact the others. Everything will heal in time." Ada stands and so does Mathias. They shake hands and say goodbye. Mathias leaves the office feeling as if Ada's advice was useless.  
  
    _Strange_ , Ada Olson thinks as she watches the blond man walk out, _He always wears long sleeves._

* * *

 

     Mathias sits in the dark of the house. He closed the curtains when he got home and sat on the couch. He wanted to keep the tears in but as he remembered when he had a happy family, the dams slowly broke down. He sat on the couch and cried until no more tears flowed down his cheeks. He then stared at the wall for sometime, having no energy or desire to move, too tried from reliving those events of the past. He felt emotionally drained. All the hurt he had pushed away surfaced within the short few hours of the day. The house was peacefully quiet. Or eerily quiet to anyone else. The quietness had seeped into Mathias and he jumped when his phone rang from where he had placed it on the coffee table.  
  
     He answered it without checking to see who it was. Only a few called him. It was probably his boss anyways.  
  
     "Hello," his voice was scratched and broken from the crying and from not using it for however long he had been sitting there.  
  
     "Hey Mathias," Emil sounded uncomfortable to the Dane who nearly fell over to hear who was on the other side,"are you okay...? You don't sound so well."  
  
     Mathias cleared his throat, trying to make his voice sound normal,"Oh yeah, I, uh, just woke up. I'm fine." He heard a snort from the other line and Lukas saying ' _Of course. Always was a lazy ass._ ' Mathias gave a sad smile at the Norwegian remembering how he had once liked to sleep in.  
  
     "Okay then." A pause. "Sorry about last night. Tin- uh, I mean, the others and I wanted to know if you would like to go have a picnic tomorrow to make up for yesterday. We could do it tomorrow if it's convenient." Emil's voice stills sounds awkward as he talks to Mathias. Mathias though is trying to suppress any hope that he has. He doesn't know how this will turn out.  
  
     In the end Mathias agrees and Emil gives him all the information about where and what time to be there tomorrow. They say goodbye and Mathias checks the time. It's late. He goes to the kitchen to heat up some of the food from yesterday. He eats in solitude and cleans up before going up stairs. He checks his arms. The cuts are healing properly and fast due to him being a nation and having the ability to heal slightly faster than humans. He decides that he won't cut tonight. Mathias changes into some night clothes and climbs into bed. He thinks of the possible outcomes of tomorrow and hopes that this isn't a set up or anything. He reaches over to the lamp beside the bed and clicks it off. He rolls over and drifts off into sleep.


	3. Chapter 3

     Mathias awoke the next morning feeling _refreshed_. Something that hasn't occurred for years, maybe even decades. Something else that surprised him was the time. It was half past 8 when he rolled over and looked at the clock. He usually didn't get full night rests. He blamed it on the events of yesterday as he got out of bed and went into the bathroom.

     He did his business and brushed his teeth before getting dressed and heading downstairs. He made his usually cup of coffee and decided that he would have breakfast today. He filled a bowl with cereal and milk and popped some bread in the toaster. He placed the cereal on the table and buttered the toast popped back up, placed his cup of coffee on the table also and sat down. He ate most of the cereal and the two pieces of toast while finishing of his cup of coffee. He was quite surprised when he finished the breakfast because he usually opted to pass off breakfast or only ate a piece of toast. He cleaned up the dishes and went into his study.

     Couldn't hurt to do some paperwork before meeting with the others, Mathias thought. He grabbed a sheet from one of the stacks on his oak desk and began. He worked through the papers while occasionally glancing at the clock on the wall. _9:15. 10:08. 10:32. 11:26_. Emil had told him to be at the park that was a few blocks from his house around 12:30ish so they could have a nice picnic for lunch. He wasn't going to be late to it because that would give the others the impression that he didn't want to come and he did so badly want to go to be around such familiar people, even if they disliked his presence.

     At 12:15, Mathias decided that he could go ahead and start his way to the park. He made sure that everything was off in the house before closing the door behind him. He breathed in the smell of fresh air on the glorious summer day in his country and decided that he would walk to the park. It wouldn't hurt for him to walk. He needed the exercise and the day was too brilliant to pass up. It was a pain that he had to wear long sleeves though. The heat of being in long sleeves and the temperature would cause him to sweat a little more but he would just have to deal with it. He had no choice but hide the scars from public view.

     By the time that he had reached the park his shirt was a little damp and stuck to him. He ignored it though when he saw a small figure running straight at him followed by a small white fluff-ball. "UNCLE MATHIAS!!," could be heard from Peter as he ran smack into Mathias and clung to his legs. The little white fluff-ball, Hanatamago, caught up with the micro-nation and was nipping and dancing around the two, sending them excited little yaps. Mathias patted Peter on the head and greeting him.

     "Peter!," Tino called from the direction that the boy and dog cam from," where did you go?"

     Peter looked up at Mathias and grabbed his hand before pulling the tall blond after him. "Come on Uncle Mathias. We just got here. Momma is setting up and he said that I could go play. Will you play with me?" Words spewed from Peter's mouth and Mathias just nodded along with the little ball of energy as he led him towards the spot where he could see the other Nordics standing. Hanatamago lead ahead of them a ways, tail wagging.

     As they reached a (thankfully) shaded spot, Mathias could see that Tino had spread out a large blanket for everyone to sit on and contained two picnic baskets in the middle. He had taken a seat on the blanket and waved to Mathias as Hanatamago climbed into his lap. Berwald had taken a seat next to the Finnish man while Lukas sat across from them with a book in his lap. Emil was nowhere to be seen when Peter finally let go of his hand.

     "Hello Mathias," Tino greeted him civilly. Mathias nodded back a greeting. Lukas didn't look up from his book as the two exchanged greetings and a comment from Tino about the weather. Berwald didn't speak either. Hadn't spoken to the Dane for decades really. After the Kalmar Union, the Swede never trusted the Dane much anymore and kept his distance.

     "Uncle Mathias," called Peter from Mathias' side where he stood, now tugging on his shirt sleeve," you promised to come play with me. Can we go play with the ball now?"

     Mathias looked to the others, or more like Tino because he was the only one paying him any attention. The Finn nodded to him. "Might as well go and play. We can eat in a little bit if that is okay with you." Mathias couldn't do anything but go along as Peter was almost pulling his sleeve off. Peter grabbed a red ball from beside Berwald and pulled the Dane off into the direction of the park's pond.

     The pair found a lone figure sitting on a bench by the pond. As Mathias closed the distance between the figure and himself he could make out the shape of the personification of Iceland. Peter realized who it was too and called to the teenager. Emil looked up and around before spotting the two. He gave a small wave. Mathias took a seat beside Emil on the bench while Peter caught sight of a duck, running off to chase it.

     The two nations sat in silence for a while. Mathias breaking it. "Pleasant day." Emil agreed before going silent again. "How's everything been going?" Mathias asked.

     "Everything's been good. You?"

     Mathias cleared his throat before answer,"Everything has been fine on my end. I don't do much of anything for a personal life, seeing as no one ever wants to hang around."

     Emil looks to the older nation and nods. They sit in silence and watch Peter chase the ducks of the pond around. They are informed by Tino, who walked over towards the pair on the bench with a bouncing Peter trying to show him the ducks, that it would be best to eat at the moment then wait. The three returned to the others and sat down to eat the packed picnic. No one mostly talked except for Peter, who would talk fast and animatedly. Mathias sat to one corner, between Emil and Tino. He desperately wanted to roll up his sleeves. The fresh wounds still itched and the cotton was rubbing them raw. He fiddled a few times to readjust the sleeve but to no relief. Emil caught him a few times out of the corner of his eye fidgeting with his sleeves. The teen eyeing the long sleeves in the warm summer air.

     The Nordics ate and conversed little. By 3 p.m., Tino had packed the blanket and cleaned up the area. Mathias had agreed to toss a ball around with Peter before they left and did so. Berwald helped Tino while Lukas stood under the shade of a tree with his nose stuck in his book.

     Mathias could feel the sweat rivulets rolling down his back as the sun beat down upon him. It was when one new rivulet was starting its journey south down the Dane's body did Emil come to stand beside him. "It's quite a warm day. Why are you wearing long sleeves?" Emil questioned him.

     Mathias shrugged," I just decided to wear this shirt today." Emil didn't seem convinced but nodded and decided to go stand by Lukas.

     Soon everything was packed and the other four Nordics and Peter were ready to leave the park, exchanging goodbyes with the Dane. Peter gave Mathias a hug, making him to promise to visit him soon. Tino said goodbye while Berwald merely nodded in the Dane's direction. Lukas, who still captured Mathias' heart in everything that he did, simply stood there and grunted to acknowledge a goodbye. Emil hung to the back of the group, silent.

     Mathias made his way home, longing to take the warm clothes off and to cool off, after the group separated. Mathias personally thought that the gathering went very well. He was exuberant about the event but the dark sadness within him reared its ugly head and filled his head with thoughts. Only Tino and Emil had been civil. Mathias wished to be friends with them all again, especially his two oldest friends. The ones that were with him during the younger days, the days of Vikings. Maybe, Mathias thought, This is the first chance of many to mend old wounds.


End file.
